The Silence (Abridged)

You can hear it in higher quality here.

The Flutist

The Flutist.

Funny or Die.

Hey "Poor, White & Stupid" is up on Funny or Die. 

Check it out and vote FUNNY, jerkfaces.

Exterior Day

EXT. DAY - The camera is lowered down from a GREAT HEIGHT amongst sky scrapers and plush apartment buildings into an anonymous CITY STREET. The street is bustling with motorists, bicyclists, pedestrians and PEOPLE from every social STRATA. Once the camera has SETTLED to eye level the camera moves FORWARD and begins to TRACK a young ASIAN MAN WITH A CELLPHONE. He finishes a phone call in MANDARIN and we see him slip it into the cuff of a DEEP TRENCH COAT POCKET. Once that action is completed the CAMERA is passed off, like a baton in a relay race to a YOUNG WOMAN who is walking swiftly and overtakes him, she too is on her CELLULAR PHONE, and we hear her utter the words

YOUNG WOMAN

(Garbled as though through a POLICE SCANNER)

I know I just got it. 

(Director's note: I leave the particulars, such as art direction and casting entirely up to you and your crew, you get that I'm going for an enormous metropolitan, heart-of-the-city scene here, right? And this really IMPORTANT initial camera shot that I actually spent ten minutes thinking of with the question "How can I visually re-enforce the social standing in the great chain of being of our two protagonists that are sitting undercover in a refurbished 1993 Ford Taurus at the corner of what could be W California AVE and W Cermak Road in Chicago ; could I perhaps integrate a vertical camera movement that is neither a PAN nor a CRANE SHOT that would descend from the rare air where the good and the great live down to street level, the sordid underbelly of this apparently flawless beacon of progress and modernity?"on my mind, doesn't count and will most likely be disregarded, overlooked, on the editing room floor. The only reason I feel safe typing this is because I know nobody, and I mean NOBODY actually reads these things. But Hey, It's your money, actually it's the studio's money)

INT. FORD TAURUS - DAY - Two young overpaid Hollywood-type detectives with bronzed skin and flawless, pearl-white smiles sit pretending to pay attention to something the director tried to explain to them two minutes ago, but are just thinking about the one make up girl they both want to bang. They will have a fight about it two days from now, and one contract will be renegotiated. But that is neither here nor there. Ahem...TWO HARD-BOILED Detectives in PLAINCLOTHES sit in the FRONT SEATS. THE DETECTIVE in the DRIVER'S SEAT is DWYER, the DETECTIVE in SHOTGUN is ROURKE. Over the POLICE SCANNER we hear the YOUNG WOMAN'S VOICE

POLICE SCANNER

I know I just got it

DWYER

(to ROURKE)

She the one?

ROURKE

No.

DWYER

How do you know?

ROURKE

Because I know.

DWYER

This is the 8th person today that fits this profile. What makes you so fucking sure that that ain't the lady that we're looking for?

ROURKE

Detective Dwyer, how many people did we see the first time we had a match?

DWYER

We saw that hot blonde, about shit, I dunno, around 11:00.

ROURKE

And then...(he waits for DWYER to consult his NOTES)

DWYER

Then at 12:00 we saw one, and at 1:00 we saw two, at 2:00 we saw three. And at Fuck we saw You. WE could have been DONE.

ROURKE

one, one, two, three, five...(Nothing registers with DWYER)...Look it's just after three o'clock now, I'll bet you all of my O.T. tonight that before 3:05 we see and HEAR four more women matching the same profile either receive that text or give us some kind of confirmation that they're being contacted by the same individual, group, individual group or group of individuals who are or who is the subject of this, our investigation.

DWYER is LAUGHING. Through the REARVIEW MIRROR we see a small group of NATTILY DRESSED, ATTRACTIVE WOMEN gather on the SIDEWALK. They appear DISTRAUGHT.

DWYER

You're bullshitting me, it's already after three?

ROURKE

Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?

DWYER 

I don't play that Altar Boy shit, you gonna welch now?

ROURKE

Baby, Sweetheart, would I lie to you?

(This is the part of the movie at the very beginning when our two lovable rouges start grab assing in the stake-out car and a crucial piece of shit happens in clear view of the audience that would have put this baby down like a lame horse if they weren't fuck-ups. But that's what we love about them, they're fuck-ups, like you and me. Always fucking up. Actually it's more DWYER'S FAULT and ROURKE brings this up to him in a crucial a.)Bar b.)Lockerroom c.)Social d.) Formal e.)Meeting with the Boss f.) All of the Above -scene in which tears are shed, punches are thrown, Rourke's formal education is made fun of and somebody is asked to turn in a badge. Oh and the killer, he's texting rich ladies, and killing them with their cell phones because he's rich and powerful and a psycho and the programming algorithm is Fibbonacci's Theorem for some reason, and ROURKE picks up on this because of something DWYER said when DWYER was shitfaced. See, they need each other, and NOBODY important died.

THE END

I hate you.

Pods of Speech No.16/19

Pods of Speech No.16/19